Rearing a Beardivist #13

When a small child asks “Father, why aren’t Beardivists just born with beards?” he responds “The one iron law and most cruel irony of Nature is the scarcity of ‘Good’ things.  That which comes without toil or sacrifice is not recognized by a Yet-To-Beard as ‘Good’, until they are deprived of it.  Thus, the Great Beard in the Sky does not abide us to bristle until we prove our gratitude for even the least of favors He has bestowed upon us.  Then are we allowed His greatest gift of all.”  If the child objects, deprive it of potable waters.

Rearing a Beardivist #12

When a young child asks “Father, who is in charge of Beardivism” he responds “Even you, child, hold the power of Beardivism.  To some, power is a zero sum game.  They believe that becoming more powerful implies reducing the power of others.  To the Beardivist, true power is a capacity to motivate, to influence without diminishing the influenced.  Mankind is just like so many whiskers.  Be the styling wax, child, not the shears.” If the child objects, persuade it.

Rearing a Beardivist #11

When a young child asks “Father, no matter how hard I try, my beard won’t grow.  Why me?” he responds “Fear not, young one, for there is no shame in this.  Whether or not your follicles choose to whisker is beyond your control; what matters is only that you have chosen to give them the opportunity. A beard is a state of freedom more than it is a badge of honor.” If your other children have been likewise afflicted, consider adoption.

Rearing a Beardivist #10

If a small child asks “Father, why are beards so scratchy?” he responds “Alas, child, the Beard has not always been so scratchy.  There was a time before the modern aspect, when a man’s appearance was its own reward, when food grew unbidden from the earth and the stars hung so low overhead that they swayed at a man’s passing.  It was a time of downy comfort and soft whiskers.  But then came the insolence and…The Shaving.”  The last line is delivered with a shudder.  If the child looks frightened or guilty, reward yourself with a good itch.

Rearing a Beardivist #9

If a small child asks “Father, where did Beards come from?” he responds “Long ago, The Great Beard in the sky bestowed this garment upon our chins. The Great Beard had a fiercely-burning wisdom whose revelations were known to immolate the unprotected.  So, wishing his acolytes to remain safe from his potent rays, The Great Beard gave the First Believers whiskers that they might be protected and still bask in his brilliance. Thus the First Beard was born.” If the child is of ginger complexion, confine it.

Rearing a Beardivist #8

When a small child asks “Father, why must we always sleep on our back?” he responds “A Beardivist must sleep on his back in order to commune.  For in the twilight hours, his whiskers outstretch, a sea of tiny antennae lifted towards the Great Beard in the sky.  It is of these transmissions that our dreams are made.”  If the child seems doubtful, try nighttime restraints.

Rearing a Beardivist #7

If a small child asks “Father, why do the other children at school torment me so?” he responds “The other children are jealous of your flocculence.  Quoth the Proverbs: Beard envy is resentment not of the whiskers, but of the great many virtues required for their cultivation.  Pay them no heed, for in time you shall outgrow them.”  If the bullying persists, consider allowing “Blue Jeans” instead of the traditional gown and helm (Fridays only).

Rearing a Beardivist #6

If a small child asks “Father, where do babies come from?” he responds “When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, the follicles of the Great Beard germinate a new whisker, and when this whisker sprouts, a baby is born.  Thus growing from the same face, are we all connected and equal…except for the lower-neck whiskers; they’re usually an accident.”  If the child associates with this caste, consider homeschooling.

Rearing a Beardivist #5

If a small child asks “Father, don’t you think this whole Beardivism thing has some seriously religious overtones?” the father responds “Back from whence you came, demon!  Though you end my bloodline, thou shalt not have my whiskers!”  Hurl it into the nearest incinerator shoot, for it was no child, just a shaved and contrarian dwarf.  Search for your child’s corpse.

Rearing a Beardivist #4

If a small child asks “Father, why do we grow beards?” the father responds “It is a far better thing to be the banks of a river than the rocks on the seashore. One can shape their nature, but only with great peril stand against it.” If the child looks unsure, remove all mirrors from the home.