Category Archives: Child Rearing
When a young child asks “Father, who is in charge of Beardivism” he responds “Even you, child, hold the power of Beardivism. To some, power is a zero sum game. They believe that becoming more powerful implies reducing the power of others. To the Beardivist, true power is a capacity to motivate, to influence without diminishing the influenced. Mankind is just like so many whiskers. Be the styling wax, child, not the shears.” If the child objects, persuade it.
When a young child asks “Father, no matter how hard I try, my beard won’t grow. Why me?” he responds “Fear not, young one, for there is no shame in this. Whether or not your follicles choose to whisker is beyond your control; what matters is only that you have chosen to give them the opportunity. A beard is a state of freedom more than it is a badge of honor.” If your other children have been likewise afflicted, consider adoption.
If a small child asks “Father, why are beards so scratchy?” he responds “Alas, child, the Beard has not always been so scratchy. There was a time before the modern aspect, when a man’s appearance was its own reward, when food grew unbidden from the earth and the stars hung so low overhead that they swayed at a man’s passing. It was a time of downy comfort and soft whiskers. But then came the insolence and…The Shaving.” The last line is delivered with a shudder. If the child looks frightened or guilty, reward yourself with a good itch.
If a small child asks “Father, where did Beards come from?” he responds “Long ago, The Great Beard in the sky bestowed this garment upon our chins. The Great Beard had a fiercely-burning wisdom whose revelations were known to immolate the unprotected. So, wishing his acolytes to remain safe from his potent rays, The Great Beard gave the First Believers whiskers that they might be protected and still bask in his brilliance. Thus the First Beard was born.” If the child is of ginger complexion, confine it.
When a small child asks “Father, why must we always sleep on our back?” he responds “A Beardivist must sleep on his back in order to commune. For in the twilight hours, his whiskers outstretch, a sea of tiny antennae lifted towards the Great Beard in the sky. It is of these transmissions that our dreams are made.” If the child seems doubtful, try nighttime restraints.