The Hound has published some especially well-executed research and insightful interpretation on both the modern physiognomy and historical significance of beard growth over at The Catholic Dormitory. We highly recommend the read to all The Center’s students and faculty, but claim neither affiliation nor endorsement of any religious content printed therein in any official capacity. Theological inclinations notwithstanding, we find this portion, in particular, provides a quite thoughtful glimpse into the struggle all Beardivists face at one time or another:
The solution is to grow a beard if you believe it is what God is calling you to do. Look at your life and say, “will facial hair help me in a virtues life? or will it scandalize those around me and lead them away from the light of Christ? if my beard is not so glorious will it increase my humility? or if my beard is glorious will it fill my pride?”
Please do read on at The Hound’s The Beard and Virtue.
When a small child asks “Father, why aren’t Beardivists just born with beards?” he responds “The one iron law and most cruel irony of Nature is the scarcity of ‘Good’ things. That which comes without toil or sacrifice is not recognized by a Yet-To-Beard as ‘Good’, until they are deprived of it. Thus, the Great Beard in the Sky does not abide us to bristle until we prove our gratitude for even the least of favors He has bestowed upon us. Then are we allowed His greatest gift of all.” If the child objects, deprive it of potable waters.
When a small child asks “Father, why must we always sleep on our back?” he responds “A Beardivist must sleep on his back in order to commune. For in the twilight hours, his whiskers outstretch, a sea of tiny antennae lifted towards the Great Beard in the sky. It is of these transmissions that our dreams are made.” If the child seems doubtful, try nighttime restraints.
Our thanks goes to the great minds at Out of Ur for this infographical contribution to the archives at The Center for Beard Related Studies:
via Out of Ur
If a small child asks “Father, don’t you think this whole Beardivism thing has some seriously religious overtones?” the father responds “Back from whence you came, demon! Though you end my bloodline, thou shalt not have my whiskers!” Hurl it into the nearest incinerator shoot, for it was no child, just a shaved and contrarian dwarf. Search for your child’s corpse.