The Trifold Path of Beardivism

My Dear Beardivist Acolytes,

As the leaves in the trees begin to turn and the wind blows promise of cooler weather on the way, there comes a time at the beginning of every fall semester when we at The Center for Beard Related Studies find it necessary to review The Path for our newest initiates.  The lessons of the coming school year will be, without a doubt, numerous and complex, but the following are the most essential of tenants to our teachings.  In the absence of all else that you shall learn here, remember only The Path:

Resolve without Tyranny

What one has not resolved to do, one cannot celebrate when done.  What one cannot do without tyranny, one cannot celebrate at all.  Walking the righteous path requires power over oneself, but not power over others.  Though you do not demand the approval or acceptance of others in your Bearding, you do Beard despite their advice or judgement.

Patience without Apathy

It is the patient Beardivist who finds his reward daily in modest progress and who thus accomplishes great strides by small steps. Apathy is the great enemy of patience, for both the patient and impatient alike may follow The Path, while those who do not care, wander and are lost.  Beard without haste, but do not allow leisure to beget complacence.

Humility without Self-deprecation

The humble Beardivist does not overestimate his worth, for in doing so, he denies himself the opportunity to improve; and yet, self-deprecation does as much harm as arrogance.  To deceive oneself about one’s place is to obscure the view of one’s destination.  Your beard, as is the beard of everyman, is unique to your chin but also the same; rejoice in your brotherhood but celebrate your individuality.

With my most resolved, patient, and humble enthusiasm, I do welcome you, Class of 2017.

Yours always,

HJ Whiskersmith

Associate Dean of Communications
The Center for Beard Related Studies and beardivism.com

Dictated.  Not Read.

Rearing a Beardivist #9

If a small child asks “Father, where did Beards come from?” he responds “Long ago, The Great Beard in the sky bestowed this garment upon our chins. The Great Beard had a fiercely-burning wisdom whose revelations were known to immolate the unprotected.  So, wishing his acolytes to remain safe from his potent rays, The Great Beard gave the First Believers whiskers that they might be protected and still bask in his brilliance. Thus the First Beard was born.” If the child is of ginger complexion, confine it.

Rearing a Beardivist #7

If a small child asks “Father, why do the other children at school torment me so?” he responds “The other children are jealous of your flocculence.  Quoth the Proverbs: Beard envy is resentment not of the whiskers, but of the great many virtues required for their cultivation.  Pay them no heed, for in time you shall outgrow them.”  If the bullying persists, consider allowing “Blue Jeans” instead of the traditional gown and helm (Fridays only).

Rearing a Beardivist #6

If a small child asks “Father, where do babies come from?” he responds “When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, the follicles of the Great Beard germinate a new whisker, and when this whisker sprouts, a baby is born.  Thus growing from the same face, are we all connected and equal…except for the lower-neck whiskers; they’re usually an accident.”  If the child associates with this caste, consider homeschooling.

Rearing a Beardivist #5

If a small child asks “Father, don’t you think this whole Beardivism thing has some seriously religious overtones?” the father responds “Back from whence you came, demon!  Though you end my bloodline, thou shalt not have my whiskers!”  Hurl it into the nearest incinerator shoot, for it was no child, just a shaved and contrarian dwarf.  Search for your child’s corpse.

Rearing a Beardivist #4

If a small child asks “Father, why do we grow beards?” the father responds “It is a far better thing to be the banks of a river than the rocks on the seashore. One can shape their nature, but only with great peril stand against it.” If the child looks unsure, remove all mirrors from the home.

“On a long enough timeline, all men have Bearded. Shaving is but punctuation.”

Rearing a Beardivist #3

If a small child asks “Father, what happens if a man shaves his beard?” the father responds “We hold no such man in contempt. A man is both bearded and curious by nature; it is natural for him to experiment with shaving on occasion. It is the man who turns his back on his beard’s lessons, not the beard itself, that is truly lost.” If the child asks again, lash and repeat.

Rearing a Beardivist #2

If a small child asks “Father, where do beards go when they are clipped?” the father responds “Where shall I go when I am dead and buried? I am but an imprint upon you; the act of beard and my presence in your life are the same in this. A whisker is clipped and a man dies, but their immanence has already been and will always be.” If the child begins to cry, tickle it with your chin.