Rearing a Beardivist #5

If a small child asks “Father, don’t you think this whole Beardivism thing has some seriously religious overtones?” the father responds “Back from whence you came, demon!  Though you end my bloodline, thou shalt not have my whiskers!”  Hurl it into the nearest incinerator shoot, for it was no child, just a shaved and contrarian dwarf.  Search for your child’s corpse.

Rearing a Beardivist #4

If a small child asks “Father, why do we grow beards?” the father responds “It is a far better thing to be the banks of a river than the rocks on the seashore. One can shape their nature, but only with great peril stand against it.” If the child looks unsure, remove all mirrors from the home.

Rearing a Beardivist #3

If a small child asks “Father, what happens if a man shaves his beard?” the father responds “We hold no such man in contempt. A man is both bearded and curious by nature; it is natural for him to experiment with shaving on occasion. It is the man who turns his back on his beard’s lessons, not the beard itself, that is truly lost.” If the child asks again, lash and repeat.

Rearing a Beardivist #2

If a small child asks “Father, where do beards go when they are clipped?” the father responds “Where shall I go when I am dead and buried? I am but an imprint upon you; the act of beard and my presence in your life are the same in this. A whisker is clipped and a man dies, but their immanence has already been and will always be.” If the child begins to cry, tickle it with your chin.

Rearing a Beardivist #1

If a small child asks “Father, when will I be able to grow a beard?” the father responds “Lament not, whelpling, for your day of Beard is nigh. Remember that patience, too, is a beard of its own accord. Virtues are the unseen beard of the soul, and only by their cultivation might we hope to ascend to the warm, murmuring fold of Beardivist Valhalla (which is also sometimes prickly).” If the child is a girl, discard it.