Tag Archives: philosophy

Beard of Action: Ludwig Eduard Boltzmann

BoltzmannConsummate beardivist and scientific revolutionary, Boltzmann was instrumental in furthering Man’s understanding of both statistical mechanics and the modern atomic theory of matter, despite a contemporary academic environment that frequently resisted or misunderstood his ground-breaking work.  His speculation about the nature of chaos, disorder and the physical world, are said to be reflected in the unruly, yet mysteriously methodical shape of his beard.  Boltzmann, long suffering from his own chaotic emotional fragility, unfortunately took his own life before seeing his greatest work recognized by his peers.  For his tremendous contributions to the fields of thermodynamics (see eponymous Boltzmann Constant) and philosophy (see Boltzmann Brain), we hereby name Ludwig Eduard Boltzmann an inherently indeterministic Beard of Action.

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Rearing a Beardivist #13

When a small child asks “Father, why aren’t Beardivists just born with beards?” he responds “The one iron law and most cruel irony of Nature is the scarcity of ‘Good’ things.  That which comes without toil or sacrifice is not recognized by a Yet-To-Beard as ‘Good’, until they are deprived of it.  Thus, the Great Beard in the Sky does not abide us to bristle until we prove our gratitude for even the least of favors He has bestowed upon us.  Then are we allowed His greatest gift of all.”  If the child objects, deprive it of potable waters.

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The Trifold Path of Beardivism

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My Dear Beardivist Acolytes,

As the leaves in the trees begin to turn and the wind blows promise of cooler weather on the way, there comes a time at the beginning of every fall semester when we at The Center for Beard Related Studies find it necessary to review The Path for our newest initiates.  The lessons of the coming school year will be, without a doubt, numerous and complex, but the following are the most essential of tenants to our teachings.  In the absence of all else that you shall learn here, remember only The Path:

Resolve without Tyranny

What one has not resolved to do, one cannot celebrate when done.  What one cannot do without tyranny, one cannot celebrate at all.  Walking the righteous path requires power over oneself, but not power over others.  Though you do not demand the approval or acceptance of others in your Bearding, you do Beard despite their advice or judgement.

Patience without Apathy

It is the patient Beardivist who finds his reward daily in modest progress and who thus accomplishes great strides by small steps. Apathy is the great enemy of patience, for both the patient and impatient alike may follow The Path, while those who do not care, wander and are lost.  Beard without haste, but do not allow leisure to beget complacence.

Humility without Self-deprecation

The humble Beardivist does not overestimate his worth, for in doing so, he denies himself the opportunity to improve; and yet, self-deprecation does as much harm as arrogance.  To deceive oneself about one’s place is to obscure the view of one’s destination.  Your beard, as is the beard of everyman, is unique to your chin but also the same; rejoice in your brotherhood but celebrate your individuality.

With my most resolved, patient, and humble enthusiasm, I do welcome you, Class of 2017.

Yours always,

HJ Whiskersmith

Associate Dean of Communications
The Center for Beard Related Studies and beardivism.com

Dictated.  Not Read.

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a beard's true quality lies in the measure of virtues required for its cultivation beard proverb

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March , 2013 · am

Beard of Action: Aristotle


“No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.”

Even two millennia after his death, Aristotle’s influence and groundwork can be found in every corner of the academic and artistic arenas.  There were no contemporary subjects, and few founded later, that still stand undisturbed  by this tempest of thoughts, treatises and whiskers.  Bertrand Russell (beardless, here quoted for purely demonstrative purposes) once famously wrote: “almost every serious intellectual advance has had to begin with an attack on some Aristotelian doctrine”.  For his great contribution to all things, bearded and otherwise, we hereby declare Aristotle a truly hexis-tic Beard of Action.

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“We do not Beard otherwise than so that we do will a Universal Bearding.”

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Beard of Action: Vilfredo Federico Damaso Pareto


“In any given social distribution, it is invariably 20% of the beards that grow 80% of the whiskers.”

Italian engineer, economist, and philosopher, Vilfredo Pareto, has outlived the amnesic annals of history in eponymous fashion, being most often associated with the widely accepted and applied concepts of Pareto efficiency and Pareto distribution.  These contributions helped to evolve the study of economics from its rational philosophy roots into an empirically researched science, thus propelling social engineering of the early 20th century.  Despite the somewhat bleak nature of the power law Pareto discovered (and subsequent political use of it), we hereby name him a pioneering and analytic Beard of Action.

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