Scruffington Post’s Yellow Press

lotr foresake

In a recent Huffington Post editorial, sophomoric sociologist Marten Weber claims that men Beard in order to sublimate a, presumably, innately masculine urge to kill, rape and pillage the weak.  His specious false-correlation seems to be that mankind, in its darkest and most base infancy, was more violent and (he assumes) predominantly bearded; and though, over time, our violence has been curbed (debatable), our beards have endured, even prospered, as emblem to some dark urge (convenient).

Somehow we are asked to eschew the centuries of social evolution (much of it pioneered and preserved by the hirsute) that are bracketed by Weber’s non-sequitus leaps.  Pay no attention to The Center’s Archives.  Ignore philosophy; ignore Jesus/Moses/Muhammad; ignore nearly every beneficent male archetype in the social subconsciousness.  Certainly these beards are coincidence.  “Shave!” Weber cries, wildly waving about his propaganda, genitals, “Shave, or confess your murderous, lecherous, and covetous aspirations!”

Lest the Yet-To-Beard be swayed by Weber’s sophistry, we feel compelled to respond.  Hear this, Mr. Weber:  A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our [whiskers] and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and [bare chins], when the age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we [Beard]! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, [we] bid you stand, [Ye Good Beardivists]!

1 Comment

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One response to “Scruffington Post’s Yellow Press

  1. Many men it appears have a dark urge to avoid badassery. Others grow beards.

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